Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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