Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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