I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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