Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
