What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
