I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
