I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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