took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
