dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
