First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
