At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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