He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
