life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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