I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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