Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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