Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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