Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
