I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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