Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
