I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
