I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
