I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
