That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
