I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
