Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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