He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
