feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
