HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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