I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
