I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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