Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I checked into jail on foursquare
i came on her dog
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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