1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
are you still at the devil's house?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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