u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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