Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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