I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
