yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
