did you get engaged???
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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