got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
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Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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