so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
