$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
