Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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