The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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