dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
