there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
