By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
