Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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