i think my mom watched the whole time
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
