Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
