Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
