I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
