...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You are the jesus of drinking
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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