All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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