Old men and throwing up are my life now.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
