he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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