Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
