I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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