my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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