Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
