Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
